the notes app
what if we started off more phone calls saying i love you instead of waiting until the end? time spent looking for answers to questions that haven’t been asked yet. chasing what it means to be myself in the only vessel i will ever exist inside of. my own body, proof that going through the motions is not enough. moving throughout atmosphere in my own body is not enough to feel like myself. maybe it’s for all the hands that have a say in what my body is allowed to do? i won’t go there.
maybe we don’t feel like ourselves because we are a million different people every different day. existence as not enough, never enough.
some songs make me start crying as soon as they play. the sounds and memories and what thoughts pass through my mind when i close my eyes and let them stream. take me to a lot of different places and phases of time. some with you and some without, always in my mind. i miss hanging out. i hated hanging out. i’ll never hang out with you again. my brain reminds me of good feelings and good feelings are all i am after. it’s okay to miss the things that made you you. i love romanticizing the past because it’s mine and i’m romantic. in five years, even one, i’ll read this and remember where my mind was at. or not at all.
reminders: x-rays, chickpeas, pizza rolls. a fine example of how our minds create order - haphazardly. things i want to do with jack, Grant’s quotes, movies i want to watch, make a dentist appointment, hummus and carrots, all the ways men hurt me, windshield wipers, pot plant, derailleur hanger, ID, passport, thankful, “you’re leaving behind something that mattered to you, where you invested some of yourself",” ou va tu, subject is you,
god is not saying prayers to ask for god is not church attendance or sinking in water wearing white he isn’t memorized scripture tattooed onto the temple or your thoughts put into words jesus freak bible quote God is loving, not religion not confined to one country, Border boundary drawn lines God is not Divide but understanding there is good and evil everywhere God is in the individual mind choosing to go silently when there is nothing kind to say God is in us Living with the choice to lash out or Be a wave of calm in the midst of all feeling the words people say
dog eared pages you get meaning from. go back years later and wonder what it was. plan a day trip centered around a good meal, venture around. we must create meaning. we just have to attribute meaning to the smallest notions. we are so lucky for it all.