soldering silver

lately i have been noticing my own redundancy - “i may have already told you this,” “i think i may have mentioned,” as the intro of many mutterings. is this what it means to get older? more awareness of certain sayings you say over and over in conversation? is there some inordinate level of comfort we find in regurgitating our own thoughts, saying the same thing over again, in the off chance we discover a new meaning? or is repetition a sign of being boring?

i feel that maybe i am not aging very well. i’ve spent the last few days in an ugly state. once a month weekly qualms of not knowing myself and wondering if anyone does ever or if we’re all constantly trying to define the indefinable (self). is it not enough to have a life to live and explore as we please and like certain things and maybe not like others and none of it means we are or aren’t some clearly defined definition of a thing, we just are and that is it, are you following?

recently someone i love asked “what is home to you” - there are no 4-wall memories, no street name indicators, no house on a hill, nothing situated, rooted, literal. i’ve found home as fluid, transient, love in every form; perhaps home as change is the result of moving nearly every year as a child. i see home as the self + its ability to connect with the world - people, places, things, et cetera.

in the spirit of my conscious and continuous search of self (i.e. home), i’ve been actively trying - or gearing up to try - new things. never before have i looked up “soldering silver,” but i’ve had a desperate eagerness for a new distraction, a working bubble to nest myself in, a way to engage in this world + feel right at home. i’m still struggling to remember how the big and small numbers work when it comes to aperture, but i’m exploring and thinking differently and finding my space to play.

and so, i am here: eight o’clock in the morning central time, watching forty minute long videos on fusing metals + sipping my cup of once warm, cold coffee.

xx | subscribe for more occasional, gentle thoughts