restful green pastures

i’ll always circle back to good memories, sometimes i think it’s a flaw, a fault, ultimately a superpower and one thing i am working on saying i love about myself. i see light in everyone, god sees light in me.

a lakeside boardwalk staring at mountains from a boat i should not be on, fireworks in a far off distance, the sky so vast i can see them burst still. someone finally smiling at me.

i wish i had bought the chocolate glace for myself, fruit was decided, and it was good! i loved it! fear of want, don’t fuck it up. i think i wish i had done a lot for myself, though i’ve learned to recognize every small action is the correct step forward and there is no direction, other than the one, let’s lead our lives with love.

i moved slowly this morning but i made my workout. i cried in my car after but i did end up finding myself home. i saw the sunrise like those other mornings and the sunset that night too.

i didn’t eat a lot this weekend but i fed myself small bites to keep going. i took myself for a walk and in the past i would have stayed inside. staying inside is okay too. i let my mind wander and cried some days. i replaced thought with movement and that felt good too.

i feel waves of immense pain and then remember laughter. i think about how i get to feel all the things the world offers as long as i keep moving through it. sometimes it doesn’t feel like much, but then the light hits someone’s eyes in that one way and those eyes are staring back at you and you thank god for it, for all of it.

i made a grocery list for that phase. broth, crackers. that’s what mom said to do. i made a grocery list for this week too - its ingredients are more robust. some days i cook for me and some days i cook for two. i’ve come to accept i like cooking for me plus you.

it’s been both a long and short year - this seems to be the case at this in between age, this stage of knowing exactly what i want and practicing patience until i’m there. time is all we have, all its anomalies: it stretches vast, it goes by quick, it can’t come fast enough, i want this moment to last forever, i want it to speed up, just to get a peek, to know how it all ends up, i want to soak up every single second of this very right now moment and i don’t want to skip ahead, not really, do i? because if it ends, it ends, but right now - that’s really all it is. i love you i love you i love you

i will lead you into restful green pastures

xx