mixed Ups and downs

this morning i was thankful mornings have always smelled the same. when i was waiting at the bus stop in 5th grade or walking to classes from Couch Hall at governor’s school the summer of 2011 or sporadic sunrise mornings i wake to now. it’s all the same if i focus only on the smell. sometimes i need to focus only on the smell.

this afternoon i sat on a bench and watched carpenter bees fly in and out of holes in the dirt. i thought of an old backyard, carpenter bees tunneling into wooden beams, an old dog jumping to catch those bees. i thought of laughing and buzzing and simple things.

i miss the fall when pumpkins mattered and i bought sweaters that i liked and not that i wanted to like because it seems like that’s what i am supposed to like. i miss fall when i decorated with silly felt-shaped strings and sat on the porch and discovered pumpkin beer and spent quiet evenings under trees. i miss fall when i didn’t worry i miss fall when i felt i had everything i’d ever want - before i realized want could transform. i miss certainty and comfort and a day or two without thinking of everything all the time. i miss feeling lucky and at home in a home i never would have imagined coming home to.

how many times do you say “I miss you” to an old friend, how many times do you let plans be broken before you stop asking, how should you feel after rearranging your whole week for someone who ghosted you day of? some ships sail.

i am in a series of Up and downs but i finally understanding this is a series which renews each year. I think too much and I am quite sensitive and I think I think i think. 

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